I lost my way when I was 11 and an only beginning to find it now. Recent events taught me that although I had come a long way I still have a long way to go. I sobering reminder of the lasting damage that is caused by having to live with domestic violence.
To give you the coles notes version. my father died when I was 9 and I had a new dad by the time I was 11. He was nice - at first. Then it's like someone tripped the breaker and the lights went out. He because abusive. Starting with verbal assaults and character shattering comments and moved in to physical and sexual abuse and moved in to psychological abuse (where he would play mind games to see how bad he could mess you up). He drank, he smoked, he got high. I think the last 3 or 4 years of their marriage I never saw him sober. He at least usually gave me a warning before unleashing an attack. I was most of the time able to escape to my bedroom which I had equipped with a lock so I could lock myself in. No one else had a key. I had hidden it in my piano under a piece of wood. By the time I was 14, I was completely broken. I tried to kill myself and drink myself away and give myself away - desperate for love. Of course none of this worked. I still got A's (or else) and was on sports teams and involved in music. To look at me, you wouldn't know my torment.
He terrified me. He would walk into a room and I would shrink.
My mom knew all of this but wasn't able to do anything to help me...she couldn't even help herself. Their marriage ended when he got tired of beating on me and my brother and turned on her.
I was further lost - no longer motivated by fear, I wasn't able to find motivation anywhere. I was in a string of abusive relationships furthering my demise up until the last person I was seeing before I met my husband.
I ran into him while I was engage in the grocery store and - My husband can attest to this - I literally froze upon seeing him. I dropped all my groceries right there in the middle of the isle and walked out of the store.
He's worked hard (along with others) to help coax me out of my shell and horrible survival techniques that will take me a lifetime to unlearn.
I've come a long way and was recently employed (I no longer am) by a women who was a female version of my ex-step-dad only she didn't hit or molest me. But in all other senses she was like him. I knew her next move and it pissed her off. Because of my experience I was able to out fox the fox...for a time. But when you live in a toxic and fear driven environment, then you either have to escape it or take it. I wasn't willing to take that again. I took it a little bit and she was equally a great manipulator but I was able to deflect some of her tactics some of the time. What was interesting is that when I found myself in a situation I swore up and down I would never allow myself to be in again....that same fear that paralyzed me the first time around still gripped me...but not as bad. Before I was unaware that I was being talked in circles...now I was aware of it and it was almost like I was out-of-body watching it all happen.
I eventually quit. She "didn't understand why" and there's no way to tell her. I said it was constructive dismissal and work place harassment. She didn't understand the first term, so I told her to go look it up. (yes I dare talk back - politely of course)
Time does indeed heal all wounds....some just take a life time.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Help! a Princess Ate My Daughter!
Not really, but I own a few princess movies from Disney....and I let Pumpkin watch them on occasion.
We now living in a society where the media is littered with images of too-skinny girls and how to be like that. Let's face it - a VERY small percent of the population actually looks like that on their own. I saw a poster once of 2 sets of similar legs legs from about mid-thigh down. The question was posed at the bottom "which one is the super-model and which one is the child dieing from malnutrition?" The honest truth? I couldn't tell the difference. We are dieing (literally) to be thin and the pressure is on all of us - especially teenagers.
When we look at dolls and princesses that are presented to very young girls, they ALL have these skinny girls with impossibly small wastes, full breasts, small feet, dainty hands, perfect completion, no freckles or glasses or bad hair days. Barbie is the worst culprit - if she were a real person, she would fall over. Her waste is too narrow and her breasts are so disproportionate, that shes too top heavy.
Then come the princesses - and they all look about the same - only they are proportionate. But more than the looks of them, it's the message of what they tell our young impressionable daughters.
Ranked (in order of best to worst)
Tiana (the princess and the frog) This hard-working gal brought diversity to the princess brand. She dream of owning her own restaurant and never gives up.
Belle (Beauty and the beast) She loves reading and chooses the less-than-lovely Beast over hottie Gaston - she sees inner beauty. But some of the scenes with the Beast have a domestic violence vibe about them.
Jasmine (aladdin) She keeps a tiger as a pet. So tough. She isn't content with being just a princess - she ventures out to see the world and finds a Diamond in the rough and marries a peasant.
Aura (Sleeping Beauty) Her obedience to her fate is a good lesson for all girls - in the end she ends up not only obeying, but gets the prince too (with a little help from the fairies)
Rapunzel (Tangled) What can't this girl do with her hair? Too bad it takes a hot guy to give her the guts to climb out of her tower.....
Cinderella (Cinderella) This rages-to-riches girl teaches how to have a good attitude when life hands you lemons and not grumble and complain even though her life is anything but fair. Not much else here except the lesson that Ugly = Evil.
Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) She loves house work and falls for Prince Charming at first sight. Her ability to talk to animals is sweet, but hardly a useful skill at all. She shacks up with 7 men until she takes off with Prince charming.
Ariel (The Little Mermaid) She gives up her family and her voice to join some guy who may or may not even like her. Her rebellion and disobedience to her father and ohter authorities lands her in trouble with the sea witch.= - she falls in with the wrong crowd to try to get what she wants....and all at the age of 16. How charming.....
It is very tempting to clear out my DVD rack and just avoid the risk that my daughter is learning that life is all about being skinny, blond and rich. But I know that she'll get a princess for a birthday or a christmas gift from a family member, or see Barbie on the toy shelf. I don't plan on sheltering her form the imperfections of pop culture, just loving and supporting her enough so that she grown up thinking of herself as a princess on her own terms.
We now living in a society where the media is littered with images of too-skinny girls and how to be like that. Let's face it - a VERY small percent of the population actually looks like that on their own. I saw a poster once of 2 sets of similar legs legs from about mid-thigh down. The question was posed at the bottom "which one is the super-model and which one is the child dieing from malnutrition?" The honest truth? I couldn't tell the difference. We are dieing (literally) to be thin and the pressure is on all of us - especially teenagers.
When we look at dolls and princesses that are presented to very young girls, they ALL have these skinny girls with impossibly small wastes, full breasts, small feet, dainty hands, perfect completion, no freckles or glasses or bad hair days. Barbie is the worst culprit - if she were a real person, she would fall over. Her waste is too narrow and her breasts are so disproportionate, that shes too top heavy.
Then come the princesses - and they all look about the same - only they are proportionate. But more than the looks of them, it's the message of what they tell our young impressionable daughters.
Ranked (in order of best to worst)
Tiana (the princess and the frog) This hard-working gal brought diversity to the princess brand. She dream of owning her own restaurant and never gives up.
Belle (Beauty and the beast) She loves reading and chooses the less-than-lovely Beast over hottie Gaston - she sees inner beauty. But some of the scenes with the Beast have a domestic violence vibe about them.
Jasmine (aladdin) She keeps a tiger as a pet. So tough. She isn't content with being just a princess - she ventures out to see the world and finds a Diamond in the rough and marries a peasant.
Aura (Sleeping Beauty) Her obedience to her fate is a good lesson for all girls - in the end she ends up not only obeying, but gets the prince too (with a little help from the fairies)
Rapunzel (Tangled) What can't this girl do with her hair? Too bad it takes a hot guy to give her the guts to climb out of her tower.....
Cinderella (Cinderella) This rages-to-riches girl teaches how to have a good attitude when life hands you lemons and not grumble and complain even though her life is anything but fair. Not much else here except the lesson that Ugly = Evil.
Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) She loves house work and falls for Prince Charming at first sight. Her ability to talk to animals is sweet, but hardly a useful skill at all. She shacks up with 7 men until she takes off with Prince charming.
Ariel (The Little Mermaid) She gives up her family and her voice to join some guy who may or may not even like her. Her rebellion and disobedience to her father and ohter authorities lands her in trouble with the sea witch.= - she falls in with the wrong crowd to try to get what she wants....and all at the age of 16. How charming.....
It is very tempting to clear out my DVD rack and just avoid the risk that my daughter is learning that life is all about being skinny, blond and rich. But I know that she'll get a princess for a birthday or a christmas gift from a family member, or see Barbie on the toy shelf. I don't plan on sheltering her form the imperfections of pop culture, just loving and supporting her enough so that she grown up thinking of herself as a princess on her own terms.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
God's great provision
They say that hind sight is 20-20...and it is. It's easier to see things clearly when looking back. I was reflecting on the whole moving process at 3am when I couldn't sleep this morning.
Steve and I have been talking about moving for years and years....but have never been able to make it happen. Last December, we felt that the time was getting closer. Steve was on EI and at home with the kids. I was working at a job - but they "eliminated my position" in march. I was unemployed for less than 2 days and had seemingly found an awesome job. That turned out to be not the case at all. With the amount I was making, we could banks Steve's money. We soon had enough to move and started to make plans to do so. We were looking at apartments, or renting houses....it was getting down to the wire....we had given notice at our apartment, but had no where to live in NS, and no way to get there. For the areas we were looking in, door after door got slammed in our face. Too small, too expensive, we didn't move fast enough. I was getting frustrated and at the seemingly 11th hour - God showed up on time and we were provided an opportunity to purchase a house.
There were hiccups and bumps that we had to endure and get through - prayerfully. And there were miracles that happened. For example, Pearl (who owned the home we now own) had given power of attorney to her daughter - but something wasn't done correctly in the process. Correcting this error normally takes weeks. God made it happen in hours. There was an issue with the drive way - the entrance is on our side, but the neighbours have to drive down it to get to their spot. it was some sort of zoning issue. That go cleared in in days rather than weeks. The asking price for the house was significantly higher than the appraised price - fortunately the seller dropped the price and we were able to afford it.
We were able to buy a truck way under budget that was in good condition and are about to sell it for a profit....just before the bad weather sets in making it harder to sell and possible causing damage over the course of the winter. Not to mention paying $300 a month in insurance is INSANE! (stupid Ontario). For the record, car insurance for me out here is about $75/month
We moved and got settled and were both able to start working right away. Our house is conveniently located 5 minutes from Pumpkin's school. 7 minutes from Steve's work. 10 minutes form church and 15 minutes from the ocean (all walking of course) The grocery store is about a 25 minute walk away though. The library is also about 10 minutes away and so is a local bakery that has amazing bread. We were given appliances (fridge and stove) and the house came with a washer and dryer. I have a back yard and a laundry line. I can breathe in fresh air and see the stars at night. It's so safe that I could leave my doors unlocked (I don't for the record).
My own little slice of heaven.
Steve and I have been talking about moving for years and years....but have never been able to make it happen. Last December, we felt that the time was getting closer. Steve was on EI and at home with the kids. I was working at a job - but they "eliminated my position" in march. I was unemployed for less than 2 days and had seemingly found an awesome job. That turned out to be not the case at all. With the amount I was making, we could banks Steve's money. We soon had enough to move and started to make plans to do so. We were looking at apartments, or renting houses....it was getting down to the wire....we had given notice at our apartment, but had no where to live in NS, and no way to get there. For the areas we were looking in, door after door got slammed in our face. Too small, too expensive, we didn't move fast enough. I was getting frustrated and at the seemingly 11th hour - God showed up on time and we were provided an opportunity to purchase a house.
There were hiccups and bumps that we had to endure and get through - prayerfully. And there were miracles that happened. For example, Pearl (who owned the home we now own) had given power of attorney to her daughter - but something wasn't done correctly in the process. Correcting this error normally takes weeks. God made it happen in hours. There was an issue with the drive way - the entrance is on our side, but the neighbours have to drive down it to get to their spot. it was some sort of zoning issue. That go cleared in in days rather than weeks. The asking price for the house was significantly higher than the appraised price - fortunately the seller dropped the price and we were able to afford it.
We were able to buy a truck way under budget that was in good condition and are about to sell it for a profit....just before the bad weather sets in making it harder to sell and possible causing damage over the course of the winter. Not to mention paying $300 a month in insurance is INSANE! (stupid Ontario). For the record, car insurance for me out here is about $75/month
We moved and got settled and were both able to start working right away. Our house is conveniently located 5 minutes from Pumpkin's school. 7 minutes from Steve's work. 10 minutes form church and 15 minutes from the ocean (all walking of course) The grocery store is about a 25 minute walk away though. The library is also about 10 minutes away and so is a local bakery that has amazing bread. We were given appliances (fridge and stove) and the house came with a washer and dryer. I have a back yard and a laundry line. I can breathe in fresh air and see the stars at night. It's so safe that I could leave my doors unlocked (I don't for the record).
My own little slice of heaven.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Let the adventure begin
This past month has been a challenge to say the least. I'm far away from almost everything and everyone I've ever known, in a new and strange city (that I keep getting lost in because the streets are all on weird angles!). My kids seem to have adjusted well though, so that's a blessing. They still miss 1 friend of ours that was at our house in Toronto almost everyday. Poor Pumpkin asks for her at least once a day. Thanks goodness for Slype and Google Chat!
There are limited job prospects here and a lot of people are on "poggy" AKA welfare or EI. In addition to that there are other "strange" (at least to me) things here. First, my high school population would make up about 10% of the population of where I live. Everyone knows everyone or knows someone who knows you. That is strange coming from living in an apartment building where I never even met my neighbour after living there for 2 years.
Second, there are NO traffic lights in town...there are just cross walks - most of them with no flashing lights. Does that mean that I J-Walk and pray traffic will stop? Strangely enough, most of the cars just stop to let you cross - even if you aren't at a designated crossing point! no way that would happen in Toronto.
Third. The accent. To me, everyone here has an accent. To everyone else, I am the one that talks differently. Go on Youtube and look up Cape Breton Accent - you'll get a good laugh. I have to practice my Torontonian. lol.
Fourth - Im so used to the TTC that it's very strange that there are 2 buses that run into town. There is one that runs you to the nearest major city (the third largest in NS - which is about a 30 minute drive from me) and the other takes you north and then west and back down into the city. The price to ride the bus is higher than in Toronto and they are apparently unreliable in regards to their scheduled stops.
the price of food is generally higher. Meat is almost double the price. Dairy is $1 - $2 more. Produce is pretty on par as are other general grocery items. This presents an interesting challenge when budgeting and making meal plans - gotta stretch that dollar. So recently I started looking at coupons. We can't coupon like they do in the US, but I do what I can. I base my meals around what's on sale in the weekly flyer, cut coupons when I can and buy a generic brand when I can http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifas supposed to a name brand.
The last strange-to-me thing is that there is no JK here and French Immersion starts in Grade 7.
I started a home day care which is doing OK - I could do with 1 more full time child and that would be good...hopefully another one will come. I have 2 part time children and 1 full time child. I have a 3 month old, and 18 month old a 2.5 year old and two 4 year olds. This also provides me with an opportunity to do a bit of homeschooling with Pumpkin on account of their being no JK. (and the other 4 year old too - might as well!) My friend who is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, recently posted some amazing tips in her blog about homeschooling.
http://careyjaneclark.com/encouragement/ (can't get hyper-link tool to work...you'll have to copy-paste)
There are limited job prospects here and a lot of people are on "poggy" AKA welfare or EI. In addition to that there are other "strange" (at least to me) things here. First, my high school population would make up about 10% of the population of where I live. Everyone knows everyone or knows someone who knows you. That is strange coming from living in an apartment building where I never even met my neighbour after living there for 2 years.
Second, there are NO traffic lights in town...there are just cross walks - most of them with no flashing lights. Does that mean that I J-Walk and pray traffic will stop? Strangely enough, most of the cars just stop to let you cross - even if you aren't at a designated crossing point! no way that would happen in Toronto.
Third. The accent. To me, everyone here has an accent. To everyone else, I am the one that talks differently. Go on Youtube and look up Cape Breton Accent - you'll get a good laugh. I have to practice my Torontonian. lol.
Fourth - Im so used to the TTC that it's very strange that there are 2 buses that run into town. There is one that runs you to the nearest major city (the third largest in NS - which is about a 30 minute drive from me) and the other takes you north and then west and back down into the city. The price to ride the bus is higher than in Toronto and they are apparently unreliable in regards to their scheduled stops.
the price of food is generally higher. Meat is almost double the price. Dairy is $1 - $2 more. Produce is pretty on par as are other general grocery items. This presents an interesting challenge when budgeting and making meal plans - gotta stretch that dollar. So recently I started looking at coupons. We can't coupon like they do in the US, but I do what I can. I base my meals around what's on sale in the weekly flyer, cut coupons when I can and buy a generic brand when I can http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifas supposed to a name brand.
The last strange-to-me thing is that there is no JK here and French Immersion starts in Grade 7.
I started a home day care which is doing OK - I could do with 1 more full time child and that would be good...hopefully another one will come. I have 2 part time children and 1 full time child. I have a 3 month old, and 18 month old a 2.5 year old and two 4 year olds. This also provides me with an opportunity to do a bit of homeschooling with Pumpkin on account of their being no JK. (and the other 4 year old too - might as well!) My friend who is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, recently posted some amazing tips in her blog about homeschooling.
http://careyjaneclark.com/encouragement/ (can't get hyper-link tool to work...you'll have to copy-paste)
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